I have so many emotions right now that I don’t even know where to begin. My brother called yesterday and asked if we could take his St. Bernard. He has only had her a few weeks, but with all their other dogs, she was just too much for them. Paul and I talked about it and decided to give it a try. We had met her before and thought she was pretty cool. They also said that they would help us find homes for our cat.
Well they found a home for one cat, but not the one that we really wanted to get rid of. Today we waited for the call to meet them and loaded Cossette into a box. We tried taping it but we only got a couple of blocks before she broke through the tape. She was doing the funny cat in a car meow, but was behaving rather well. She made her way up to my lap while I was driving and sat with me for a while. She was so sweet. She knew something was going on. She kept pressing her face on my hand and arm. I could tell she was marking me.
It reminded me of our move with her from St. George up to Pleasant Grove. I thought she would tear the kids up into pieces, but she just slept most of the way. She couldn’t have been better for the long drive.
I feel like I have betrayed her. I know that she wasn’t as happy here as she could have been if we didn’t have the other cats, but she was mine. We took her with the plans of keeping her and loving her forever. It breaks my heart to know that we gave up on her. It kills me to know that we still have Phantom here when I don’t like him at all.
We got to Cal Ranch where we were meeting to pick up Sophie. Cossette was sitting with the kids when we got there. She let me pick her right up and she went nicely into the cat carrier my mom had brought. They wanted to go into the store; I just wanted to get out of the situation. We went in a bought a crate. It is huge. With it in the back of the car Sophie had to ride in the front. She didn’t sit, she kept standing and turning. It is hard to drive when you can’t see out the back of the car and there is a huge dog trying to get in your lap.
We got home and let her out in the back yard. She sniffed all around and then we gave her a quick bath. We let her dry off outside and then decided we would take her in. She wanted to explore. I knew that she would, but I wasn’t *ready* for it. I could smell her. I saw her hair that she was shedding. I can’t believe that I gave up a small cat for a St. Bernard. What have I done?
We tried going for a walk. The kids were on their bikes so that Sophie and I could go faster. We got to the top of the little hill and Andrew took off down it. He didn’t have his feet on the pedals. I watched helpless and he picked up speed. Emma was in front of him; she dropped her scooter and stuck out her arms to intercept him as he raced towards her full speed. I was running as fast as I could but there was no way I could have done anything. Andrew crashed into Emma and they both went down.
Emma was fine but Andrew skinned his knee. He didn’t want to ride his bike ever again. He said he couldn’t walk. I couldn’t pick him up and carry him home like I would have wanted because I had a dog to worry about. Do I have enough energy and love to give to kids and a dog?
We got home and put a bandage on Andrew’s knee. I wanted to get Sophie used to our home so she could be more relaxed. She was in for a bit but she was eating the cat’s food, following me around, and going in all the bedrooms. I just don’t think I can handle this.
I called my mom to see if they had gotten home. No, they were still driving around with Cossette in a cat carrier in their car! I was horrified. I can’t believe they would leave her like that for hours. It hurts my heart. I would have driven her out to their house on my own if I had known that they were going to spend so much time with her stuck in a carrier. I have been bawling ever since. I just hate the thought of her in the back of their truck wondering why I did that to her.
Sophie is stuck outside, laying there probably wondering why everyone is ignoring her. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could go back in time and never agree to this. I wish I knew yesterday just how crappy I would feel today. I went from a very small, almost no maintenance cat to a super sized high maintenance dog. What the hell do I do?
**************The Next Day*************
This is sooo not working
This is the email that I sent to Paul early this morning after Sophie came back home. He had opened the gate to take out the garbage cans and she ran away. He had to wake me up to tell me she was gone. I went out and called for her. I went in and called my mommy to see if I should call and tell Michael. While I was on the phone I saw her down the street. I called her name and she came back. She is now safely put away in our back yard again.
Sophie doesn’t seem as relaxed this morning. I don't know if it because of all the birdies in the morning, or what but she is walking around and just wont settle down. It is almost like she is looking for a way out. I am giving her too much credit? I really thought she would be tired after her morning run. She was panting pretty hard when I found her.I just don't know what to tell Michael. How long do we let this go? You know what it feels like? It reminds me of when the Alton's had that dog tied to their porch. I know it is better because she can walk around, but I remember them yelling ABBY! I hate to have our kids hear us yelling even more than we already do, you know what I mean? I hate that I can't get in and out of my back door or gate for that matter without yelling NO! I should be able to walk around my house and property when and how I want.I haven't seen any sign of the cats. I thought if I saw them in the field and I could try to get them to come to the front door, but no luck. I am worried about them. This is soooo not good.
After crying for 48 hours, waking up in the middle of the night with diarrhea, and missing work Wednesday night due to stress and my anxiety Paul and I made the decision that we couldn’t keep Sophie. I was so worried about her getting out of our gate while we were camping, worried about the cats not having a chance to come home and eat before we left, and just overall sick about the whole situation, that I decided that I needed to suck up my fears and drive her up to the shelter in Bountiful. I had not driven past Draper since we have lived here. I was nervous but knew that it was the only way to make myself feel better.
After talking to Michael about our decision I took a quick shower, loader her and the kids up and off we went. I made it without any problems. I filled out the paper work and we left. I felt bad doing it, but knew that it was the only choice I had. I have so much stress about things that I can’t control, that when there is something I can do to protect myself, I must do it. I didn’t know that all my financial concerns, all of my concerns with my parenting/work and concerns about Paul’s job security would fester and come out in the shape of a dog. She was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I just couldn’t have the stress at this time. It was making me sick.
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